The shit hit the fan…

Well, yesterday was an interesting day. The gf called it quits after I let her in on some news she didn’t like. She has a way of trying to manipulate and control. Unfortunately, so do I. My mind feels a little clearer now. It really does. I must keep myself from being lulled back into the bad relationship.’

It’s simple. I love her. BUT, there’s no long-term connection or desire there. I’m filled with guilt from my divorce. I miss my kids the days there not here. I’m either open to something new or something old. I just know I’m not open to the status quo.

A couple weeks ago I met a women in the bar. We made out heavily in the car and it felt so exhilarating. There’s nothing like the passion and lust that goes into a one-night stand. Why can’t that carry through in a relationship? Why does it always become boring and business as usual? Is it just me? Is it just the relationships I’ve been in? Why can’t we continue to pour gas on that fire to keep it going like it was brand new?

That thought drives me crazy. I’ve dated some beautiful and sexy women. Some have been great in bed. Some have been great with their mouths. They all took it in the ass when deeply aroused. They all (except for one who moved away abruptly) became boring.

Maybe I just need to go out and fuck as many women as possible until I get bored. Perhaps that’s the answer. Is my libido just running faster than women in my life can handle?

Either way, this is a deeper issue than just sex. I long for a relationship. I long to sit out on the deck and eat cheese and wine and talking into the wee hours. I long to take long walks and travel to unknown places. I long for adventure. Why does it seem like I’m the only one packing my bags?

Monday Morning…

It’s been a good start to the day. Read some good stuff on getting focused. It’s helped. About to put the internet down for a bit…at least til 1ish or so. Must focus. My mind feels very light today. Still sorting through many things and I think I’m making progress. I need to figure out how to be happy by myself, but I think fear of loneliness and a fear of individual ability is holding me back.

I need to really figure out what I’m outstanding at and focus on it and own it. I need to bring God along for the ride. He’s there and he’s ready to help. I need to believe and know that. I really don’t NEED anyone else on this earth to get me there, right? Just God and me. Whoever else is in my life, I hope they enjoy the ride and respect me and my decisions.

God bless and let’s make this a productive day.

Hi there…

Well, it’s been awhile. I’ve treated this blog like I’ve treated the important women in my life — I’ve neglected it.

So I’m sitting here smack dab in the middle of August feeling like I’m making progress. Baby steps, but progress nonetheless. You see I’m a mess. In case you’ve never visited, I’m divorced and wish I could turn the clock back about five years.

Regret is tough to live with and I’m carrying a lot of it. I cheated on my wife. She found out. We divorced. Now we have two kids splitting time between mom and dad. It drives me crazy every single day. I miss my wife and I miss the kids on those days I don’t have them. I do like the freedom I’ve gotten for 50% of my life, but it all seems so choreographed. It’s not real, if you know what I mean.

I sit here, childless today and very productive, but I have a heavy weight on my mind. What are they doing? It’s like imagining life before you were born. You know it existed, but you weren’t there to see it. You missed a lot of history. I’m feeling that.

Now for my ex wife. I miss her terribly. I really do. Not so much in the intimate sense, but in the partner and compatibility sense. She was my soulmate. But what happened? I’ll tell you what happened…I got frustrated and bored. A lethal combination that led to an affair. An ugly, passionate affair that led to me falling in love with this new women and forever shutting out my wife.

Until the last year or so. I want that door to open. I want to rebuild. Hell, they did it with Yankee Stadium back in the 80s, right? Can’t I do that with my marriage, that according to the county and everyone else no longer exists?

Several months ago I wrote my ex-wife a long letter of apology, explanation and regret. It was well-received. She said she no longer hates me and appreciated the note. She suggested we concentrate on being good parents and friends. I agree. Problem is, I’m having a hard time moving forward. The relationship that I had that started as the affair has been fading in and out like a wind-blown candle. Loneliness keeps pulling me back in, common sense pushes me back out to reality.

Oh well, this felt good. Writing is great therapy and a heck of a lot cheaper.

Quick, what do I do?

I’m going to apologize up front for treating this blog post like a magic 8 ball. It’s not, I know that, but I’m perplexed by a fork in the road.

Last week I talked about the break up I had with a woman who has meant so much to me. We are essentially soul mates who have gone through a rough stretch for a long period of time. Recently I called it quits. As a result, she did everything but beg me to come back.

I’m smart enough to realize that her reaction is a result of my breaking up with her, but how much?? I love her. She loves me. We’ve had our problems, but she’s swearing that things will change.

So, magic 8 ball, do I jump back in. I do love her, but I’m hesitant that the change will last. We had gone a long time since making love, until the other night. It was perfect. I came three times. It felt so right. It was slow and deliberate. It was perfect.

Can this last? Will it last? Do I want it to last?

The good and the bad…

The other day I went on an incredible first date. It was sort of a blind date actually and one that was harvested in this wonderful world of Web 2.0.

We met online through a mutual interest and the chatting evolved to her asking me out. I had an outstanding time. Time will tell if anything comes of it, but when I have a completely relaxing time on a first date and we never search for a topic to talk about that’s usually a great sign of positive things to come.

So while I’m excited about that, I’m saddened that the final nail was put into the coffin of my relationship with the woman that I’d had an off/on four-year, tumultuous relationship. I love her. I really do. It’s hard since I’ve only told a few women in my life that I love them. She was special and who knows…maybe someday. But today I can’t continue to drag along hope that things will work out. It’s not fair to her or me.

This brings me to the good and bad in life. Are we able to make better decisions when a good thing can balance a bad circumstance? I hope this doesn’t sound cold, but did this outstanding first date—which is all it was and who knows if anything will come of it—empower me and give me the confidence in the old saying about the number of fish in that there ocean? I know, it sounds bad but we’ve had serious troubles for months. I just sort of feel bad that I made the call to end things shortly after meeting someone new and exciting.

Life’s a bitch, but then I guess there’s always tomorrow.

Is intercourse overrated?

We kissed long and hard as we shared the shower together. The hot water darted and splashed over both of our bodies as we held each other tightly. We took turns washing each other’s every square inch and let the water wash rinse us off as we continued to kiss.

After getting out of the shower and drying off we took our clean naked bodies into the bedroom where we continued to tangle our tongues in deep intimacy. She laid flat on her stomach and I sat on her ass as my hand gave her a long deep massage. My thumbs and fingers continued to press into her shoulders as I began kissing her lower back. I moved my lips further down deep into her crack and tongued her anus. The action cause her to push her ass up in the air causing her cheeks to spread and allowing me to penetrate deeper into her asshole with my tongue. She tasted so good and I was rock hard. I moved down to her taint and licked it hard and then began eating her pussy with my nose pressing against her hole.

I told her I could do this for hours. I was sure it was going to lead into some nice lovemaking, but it didn’t. After 20 minutes of eating her fine, hot pussy, she rolled around and began stroking my cock. Slowly, then faster. Then slow again. She took it into her mouth and wrapped her warm tongue around my shaft. It felt so good.

Before I knew it I was on my back and she was on her knees taking my entire length deep into her throat. She sucked and played  for a while until I could feel my balls ready to erupt. I gave her a heads up that I was about to cum and she said go for it. Seconds later my hips jolted up into the air and my first spray of cum shot into her throat. She continued to go up and down coaxing more jiz out of me. Soon it was all over her face and in her mouth. She looked beautiful. She licked her lips and swallowed the rest, then went down and licked up what had dripped onto my stomach.

It was a healthy  load of cum and it felt amazing. I wiped the rest off her face and offered my thumb to her mouth. She quickly sucked it dry and we held each other until we fell asleep.

What an amazing night.

I’m praying

I’ve been doing a lot of praying and a lot of soul-searching. And one thing I’ve found out is that I’m completely lost.

It will almost be two years since the divorce and not a day goes by that I don’t think about my ex. Whether it’s a great memory of the early years of our marriage or thinking about how we should be raising the kids together, she is on my mind a lot.

Sure, I talk to her everyday when the two of us call to talk to the kids. We’ve also a few meals together and participated in a few school events for the kids. It’s always a good time. We laugh and give each other that knowing look whenever something funny happens with the kids. I really miss her. I miss the connection we had. Unfortunately, we didn’t have the connection during the couple years of our marriage. Every day I think about what could have been done if I hadn’t allowed the unthinkable to happen.

I had an affair. I met another woman who totaly understood me…at the right, or wrong, time. She was there for me. She complimented and complemented me. I also thought the world of her. I was attracted to her. The sex was phenomenal and something that I really missed from my marriage. It was a soulmate…at least that’s what I thought.

Fast forward two years and the relationship with the woman I had the affair with is hanging by a string. Quite honestly, I’m not entirely sure why except for the false sense of security a relationship—of any sort—can bring. But, oh how things can change. Yes, I’m still very attracted to her, but there is really no resemblance to the steamy affair that put the nail in my marital coffin.

So back to the praying. Like I said, I’ve been doing a lot of it. I consider myself a spiritual person. I’ve questioned my faith and my beliefs. You could say I believe out of fear. I don’t want to find out I shoulda believed when I see all my friends and family heading north and me, well, going south. It’s deeper than that, but that’s kind of how it feels right now. So, I’m praying to a God that I hope is listening. The answers that come back as small seeds in my mind tend to be “make an effort to reconcile with your ex wife.”

That’s the voice that talks to me. That’s the voice that I’m having a hard time listening to or believing. But, isn’t faith that part where you do something that may seem sort of foolish. I mean, come on, hi ex-wife, I really think we should try and work it out. Please forgive me and let’s start fresh.

Can that really happen? Sure I’ve heard to couples that remarried, but does it work? Would my ex just look at me and say are you crazy? I really do have a hard time thinking there would be any positive response.

Contrary to what I feel God is telling me, I do feel like there’s an attraction and desire to get back together. Part of it’s for the kids and another part is a desire to reconnect and get back to where things were at when we married. After all, I was so certain that she was the perfect one for me. A few years later, it was all over.

Well, I hope you’re still reading. If you’re not, I understand. Does anyone have any experiences in this area? Should I take a leap of faith? Should I wait? And, if so, what would I be waiting for?

Fuck Buddy

Thanks to Facebook I have 103 “friends” and one fuck buddy. It all started as innocent chatting one night. A week later we talked about being each other’s fuck buddy.

Four months later? Wow. Great sex. No strings attached. We laugh and fuck. We’ve had MMMF and FFFM four-somes.  It’s all there and it’s been there for four months. I guess you could say it’s perfect for me. I like her as a friend and we’ve talked off and on since high school. We had always flirted and she once was in a serious relationship with a friend of mine—10 years ago. I think it’s safe now.

Have any of you had fuck buddies? How did it go? Please share.

A new direction…

I think I need to make a shift. A major shift. A wholesale change in my life.

I need to end my relationship with the woman I’ve been dating for quite some time now. I love her. She loves me, I think. But we are gas and fire. We argue and fight more than any other person I’ve been with — including my ex-wife.

There’s too much drama and it has to end. I need to gracefully walk away and spend some really quality time by myself. I need to get out there and enjoy life. I need to fuck some strange pussy. Have a few one-nighters. Get the excitement back in my life. I crave adventure. I crave passionate sex. All things I used to have with my girlfriend but that are now gone. Not sure why. Has the newness wore off? I still want to get crazy with her. Kiss and lick her everywhere, fuck her asshole, eat her pussy and tongue-bang her anus. She’s been out of the mood for too long.

My question is, do these woman exist? Are there women out there who love crazy and wild sex, even after the newness of an intimate relationship has worn off?

I need it! Which brings me to my next question. Is it me? The sex dissolved in my marriage too. Do women get bored with me? I don’t think I’m boring, but what happens? After all, they were attracted to me in the first place!

Why can’t my relationships maintain that intensity????? Why????

I’m looking for advice…and quite frankly I’m looking for a hot, wet pussy to fuck the hell out of!

Oiled up sex…

There is nothing better. I recall one night a girl and I got so slippery and oiled up we  got the whole house greasy. It was the most phenomenal sex ever. Every hole on each of us got penetrated—rather easily I must say. Here’s a video that makes me think of that outstanding night.