I’ve mentioned before that I have a strangely improved relationship with my ex-wife. Concurrently, I’m seeing a breakdown in my relationship with my girlfriend.
My gf and I talked today about some of the problems between us. The biggest being the fact that I don’t appear to respect her when it comes to setting or planning my schedule. As she puts it, she’s not a part of my whole life, but only a part of my life where I have time for her. Interestingly put, considering my ex-wife felt the same way.
Big red flag!! Wasn’t I supposed to have learned something from my failed marriage? Wasn’t one of my biggest failures the fact that I was a horrible communicator—or maybe I just selfishly did it my way, like Frank Sinatra.
I have to own up to these flaws, but right now I’m having a hard time trying to figure out how to fix them and quite honestly if “fix” is the right word. My gf and I talked about it and she said maybe it can’t be fixed between her and me. To me that says we’re doomed. In fact, she even said maybe it would have been easier for my ex-wife and I to have figured it out and saved our marriage.
Hmmm. I’ve thought that more and more myself as of late, too.
Do I just go to my ex and say “we haven’t tried hard enough to make this work, I’m willing to make some major life changes in order to do it—for us and more importantly for the kids”?
But now let’s take a look at another flaw in our marriage. Sex. It was almost non-existent. I was hardly interested and neither was she. We never had an outstanding sex life even in the beginning. However, my gf and I have had the most amazing sex. I am so into her and get that amazing “first time” feeling just about every time we’re naked.
In some respects, I think I’m addicted to sex. But if I was addicted to sex wouldn’t I have wanted more of it from my wife? Now, it’s true, I went to the internet for my daily share of porn and I fantasized about other women which probably satiated my appetite a little. Am I then just addicted to having sex with different women all the time? I’m not so sure that’s the case either or I would be out trying to get laid.
Dare I compare my ex to my gf? This feels awful to type, but it’s anonymous and this is my diary or journal or whatever the hell you want to call you. You, who I’m talking to, will only give me your unbiased advice. We’ll never meet and we’ll never know each other and you’ll never know or befriend either of the two women I’m about to do a tale of the tape with, so here goes:
Love: Tie—I have a deep connection with both and I feel the love for my wife regrowing, where with my gf it’s started to diminish, but still there
Sex: gf—read above. Mind blowing sex. The addictive part of me says this is hard to give up. In fact, damn near impossible without help.
Life goals: ex—we have the kids
Religion: ex—we once had a strong faith together, the best time in our marriage
relationship with kids: ex—obviously she’s their mother
Having fun together: gf—this is close to a tie
Supportive: gf—she really brings a lot out of me
Relationship with my family: ex—my ex is still very much loved by my family, my gf is considered the home wrecker so not so much
Outlook for the Future: ?????
Like I said, it doesn’t feel good typing this out, but it helps in getting it off my chest a bit. As it says at the top of the screen, this blog is from my head to the web.
Admittedly, there’s a lot of fear inside me about being alone for the rest of my life—not that I probably don’t deserve it. If I wanted to see if things could work out with my ex I would have to personally make that commitment myself without knowing first if she would even consider it. I would have to completely end things with my gf and go from there. It’s a huge leap that will affect my life, lifestyle and career significantly—anything more specific could ruin my anonymity here.
Maybe I should schedule an appointment with my counselor. Maybe I should talk to a Pastor. I NEED someone to talk to!
PS: If you’ve ever gone through a divorce you probablyknow that it turns your mind inside out. It eats away at you like a cancer. I’m sure it takes at least five years off your life.
