I’m praying

I’ve been doing a lot of praying and a lot of soul-searching. And one thing I’ve found out is that I’m completely lost.

It will almost be two years since the divorce and not a day goes by that I don’t think about my ex. Whether it’s a great memory of the early years of our marriage or thinking about how we should be raising the kids together, she is on my mind a lot.

Sure, I talk to her everyday when the two of us call to talk to the kids. We’ve also a few meals together and participated in a few school events for the kids. It’s always a good time. We laugh and give each other that knowing look whenever something funny happens with the kids. I really miss her. I miss the connection we had. Unfortunately, we didn’t have the connection during the couple years of our marriage. Every day I think about what could have been done if I hadn’t allowed the unthinkable to happen.

I had an affair. I met another woman who totaly understood me…at the right, or wrong, time. She was there for me. She complimented and complemented me. I also thought the world of her. I was attracted to her. The sex was phenomenal and something that I really missed from my marriage. It was a soulmate…at least that’s what I thought.

Fast forward two years and the relationship with the woman I had the affair with is hanging by a string. Quite honestly, I’m not entirely sure why except for the false sense of security a relationship—of any sort—can bring. But, oh how things can change. Yes, I’m still very attracted to her, but there is really no resemblance to the steamy affair that put the nail in my marital coffin.

So back to the praying. Like I said, I’ve been doing a lot of it. I consider myself a spiritual person. I’ve questioned my faith and my beliefs. You could say I believe out of fear. I don’t want to find out I shoulda believed when I see all my friends and family heading north and me, well, going south. It’s deeper than that, but that’s kind of how it feels right now. So, I’m praying to a God that I hope is listening. The answers that come back as small seeds in my mind tend to be “make an effort to reconcile with your ex wife.”

That’s the voice that talks to me. That’s the voice that I’m having a hard time listening to or believing. But, isn’t faith that part where you do something that may seem sort of foolish. I mean, come on, hi ex-wife, I really think we should try and work it out. Please forgive me and let’s start fresh.

Can that really happen? Sure I’ve heard to couples that remarried, but does it work? Would my ex just look at me and say are you crazy? I really do have a hard time thinking there would be any positive response.

Contrary to what I feel God is telling me, I do feel like there’s an attraction and desire to get back together. Part of it’s for the kids and another part is a desire to reconnect and get back to where things were at when we married. After all, I was so certain that she was the perfect one for me. A few years later, it was all over.

Well, I hope you’re still reading. If you’re not, I understand. Does anyone have any experiences in this area? Should I take a leap of faith? Should I wait? And, if so, what would I be waiting for?