Entries from August 2009
Well, yesterday was an interesting day. The gf called it quits after I let her in on some news she didn’t like. She has a way of trying to manipulate and control. Unfortunately, so do I. My mind feels a little clearer now. It really does. I must keep myself from being lulled back into the bad relationship.’
It’s simple. I love her. BUT, there’s no long-term connection or desire there. I’m filled with guilt from my divorce. I miss my kids the days there not here. I’m either open to something new or something old. I just know I’m not open to the status quo.
A couple weeks ago I met a women in the bar. We made out heavily in the car and it felt so exhilarating. There’s nothing like the passion and lust that goes into a one-night stand. Why can’t that carry through in a relationship? Why does it always become boring and business as usual? Is it just me? Is it just the relationships I’ve been in? Why can’t we continue to pour gas on that fire to keep it going like it was brand new?
That thought drives me crazy. I’ve dated some beautiful and sexy women. Some have been great in bed. Some have been great with their mouths. They all took it in the ass when deeply aroused. They all (except for one who moved away abruptly) became boring.
Maybe I just need to go out and fuck as many women as possible until I get bored. Perhaps that’s the answer. Is my libido just running faster than women in my life can handle?
Either way, this is a deeper issue than just sex. I long for a relationship. I long to sit out on the deck and eat cheese and wine and talking into the wee hours. I long to take long walks and travel to unknown places. I long for adventure. Why does it seem like I’m the only one packing my bags?
Categories: General Stuff · Married Life · Sex · Single Life
It’s been a good start to the day. Read some good stuff on getting focused. It’s helped. About to put the internet down for a bit…at least til 1ish or so. Must focus. My mind feels very light today. Still sorting through many things and I think I’m making progress. I need to figure out how to be happy by myself, but I think fear of loneliness and a fear of individual ability is holding me back.
I need to really figure out what I’m outstanding at and focus on it and own it. I need to bring God along for the ride. He’s there and he’s ready to help. I need to believe and know that. I really don’t NEED anyone else on this earth to get me there, right? Just God and me. Whoever else is in my life, I hope they enjoy the ride and respect me and my decisions.
God bless and let’s make this a productive day.
Categories: Business · Married Life · Single Life
Well, it’s been awhile. I’ve treated this blog like I’ve treated the important women in my life — I’ve neglected it.
So I’m sitting here smack dab in the middle of August feeling like I’m making progress. Baby steps, but progress nonetheless. You see I’m a mess. In case you’ve never visited, I’m divorced and wish I could turn the clock back about five years.
Regret is tough to live with and I’m carrying a lot of it. I cheated on my wife. She found out. We divorced. Now we have two kids splitting time between mom and dad. It drives me crazy every single day. I miss my wife and I miss the kids on those days I don’t have them. I do like the freedom I’ve gotten for 50% of my life, but it all seems so choreographed. It’s not real, if you know what I mean.
I sit here, childless today and very productive, but I have a heavy weight on my mind. What are they doing? It’s like imagining life before you were born. You know it existed, but you weren’t there to see it. You missed a lot of history. I’m feeling that.
Now for my ex wife. I miss her terribly. I really do. Not so much in the intimate sense, but in the partner and compatibility sense. She was my soulmate. But what happened? I’ll tell you what happened…I got frustrated and bored. A lethal combination that led to an affair. An ugly, passionate affair that led to me falling in love with this new women and forever shutting out my wife.
Until the last year or so. I want that door to open. I want to rebuild. Hell, they did it with Yankee Stadium back in the 80s, right? Can’t I do that with my marriage, that according to the county and everyone else no longer exists?
Several months ago I wrote my ex-wife a long letter of apology, explanation and regret. It was well-received. She said she no longer hates me and appreciated the note. She suggested we concentrate on being good parents and friends. I agree. Problem is, I’m having a hard time moving forward. The relationship that I had that started as the affair has been fading in and out like a wind-blown candle. Loneliness keeps pulling me back in, common sense pushes me back out to reality.
Oh well, this felt good. Writing is great therapy and a heck of a lot cheaper.
Categories: Married Life · Single Life
