So it looks like I started the new year off on the wrong foot. My girlfriend and I are in the middle of one of those silent fights. You know the type—no talking, just silent frustration. You see, as much as I want to have a positive outlook on 2008, I think I’m sort of unhappy, but in a fidgety kind of way.
I really wanted to go into New Years Eve with a positive mindset. Unfortunately, I didn’t and it turn out exactly how I had feared. My gf and I didn’t really have plans, but we had a couple options—meet up with friends at a local bar for a small, casual celebration, or stay at her place and just celebrate together. I knew when it came to be decision time it was going to be her preference to stay home. Because of some medical issues she has been extremely tired lately.
I understand that, I think, but it’s still hard. I feel like such a prick for getting upset about it, but because of it our sex life is non-existent. There’s no intimacy…just sleep.
Here’s the problem. She’s had these medical issues since we met. Of course during the first year and a half of our relationship it didn’t affect our sex life. In fact, if I didn’t know better, it made it better. I had never had the as much or as great of sex as we had during the beginning of our relationship. At the time, we were both still married and carrying on a serious affair—something else that is actually currently bugging me, but I’ll get to it later.
You always hear that sex diminishes as a relationship grows older. Why the hell is that??? I’ve experienced it so often, both from my perspective and hers. My ex-wife and I could count the number of times we had sex the last couple of years on one hand. This sounds awful, but I really wanted to have sex, just not with her.
Is this happening in my current relationship? I’m told how much she loves me every single day and I guess I truly believe it, but what happened? Where have all the good times gone?
So this morning, this first day of 2008, I tried to initiate a little fun in bed, but she was having nothing of it. The worst part was she said, “don’t worry, we’ll make love today.”
I can’t stand a pity fuck. I really want us both to be in it. Of course there are times when I’m fine that she just lays there and takes it, but it seems like it’s every time now. What am I putting her through?
So I got dressed and and left to do some errands (and stop at Starbucks for a coffee and vent my frustrations here.)
As I write, I think it’s really helping. This is great therapy and I resolve to write more in 2008. I know I haven’t been good at writing on this blog, but I have a few excuses that I won’t waste your time with.
I really want to get back on the right foot in this new year. 2007 was actually pretty horrible. I got divorced. I got depressed. And, I got to thinking if my decisions over the past couple years were huge mistakes. On the other hand, there were some great things that happened last year, the most important being that I got incredibly closer to my two sons—something I’m afraid wouldn’t have happened had it not been for the unfortunate event of my divorce.
In 2008 I want to do my best of ridding myself of the guilt that is associated with having an affair and letting a marriage that at one time was the best thing that ever happened to me actually fall apart. Can I, or more accurately, should I be able to get rid of the guilt? You hear people talk about the guilt that one has to live with if they cause the death of another person. That guilt being part of the sentence for their crime. I’m feeling the guilt of my crime, of my adultery.
In fact, like the dreams that people are haunted with throughout their life, I’m haunted by the unusually calm and civil relationship I know have with my ex. We talk on the phone 20 minutes at a time. We laugh and tell stories about the kids. We get along great. What the hell does it mean? I don’t know, but it haunts me. It haunts me because of the feeling that I ruined this person’s life. It keeps begging the question, did I really fuck this all up because I thought I fell in love with someone else?
I think it’s time to stop typing and start focusing on the new year. There are things I can’t change, but there are things I can do to make sure the future is better for me. As ridiculous as it sounds, I don’t think I ever really thought about the outcomes of my actions until this past year. I guess 2007 may not have been such a bad year after all.
